My friend Jason took his own life around the the new year.

I've been staring at the first line for 15 minutes, so I suppose I ought to get on with this. It hurt a lot, and it will probably hurt a lot more, for a while longer.

I had a lot more to write, but stuff just kept coming up, and I instead thought about it a lot.

I am very angry, and sad. I normally calm down and then talk to the person, but I don't get to do that now, and that sucks.

I am grateful for my family, and Jason was a part of that, and I've dealt with a lot of loss in my short time, and I feel like I can handle this in a general way, even if I am not so sure about the specific details of processing and letting others know.

Or maybe I just don't have a lot to say because it is holding in a lot of other things. That could be a coping mechanism, letting a little bit out at a time.

I love Jason. Folks will say all kinds of things about why he did this, and about the relative respite he will have now. But I don't like that, and since Jason isn't here I am going to be selfish and say I wished he had stayed here for me, and Susan and Clover, and the many people I've contacted that knew and loved him.

But mostly for me.