May 10, 2019

I ran out of votes. #quest-board is muted, per my individual preference. Now I’ll only see quest discussion I’m active in, or get pulled into. This is working as planned.

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i love when things work as planned! congrats! are you noting every time you hit 100?

on bart i was thinking about how maybe i’d like a circular buffer, where instead of a hard limit of 100 after which i can’t vote for anything else, it forgets the oldest vote every time i try to vote for the 101th thing. but then i thought i don’t actually want that.

i finally fell asleep after 5:30 and had the worst dreams. i was trapped in a life-size game and had to climb dangerous and disgusting things to get out. a whole bunch of us were trapped and we had to get out by making a choice of two impossible things. one was … well, i forgot, but most people were choosing that one and getting smashed or something. the other was a huge beach with a large ocean and i chose that one but was chickening out almost at the point of no return and panicking and that’s when i woke up. it sounds kind of lame but the dream was very detailed and intense and long and stressful. i felt totally broken and not like a person when the alarm rang and my SAD lamp turned on in my face.

but i got up. which is really positive. and i made it to work. and i was 5 minutes early. i got an update on everyone’s projects and i’m so excited to see them all.

i will do a half day so i can go home and go to sleep (i’ve been crashing every day at 2pm even when i do sleep at night, and it’s been harder for me to sleep lately). and i’m excited to come back more regularly.

climbing back out of the sunken place is hard. but real life is okay sometimes too. we have to make it okay for all of us, together. i’ve missed everyone so much. i’m so scared but i have to make it okay.

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I just had a horrendous experience, and had I not been stoned out of my gourd, I would have broken down crying before leaving school grounds. I sat through lunch. What a fucking nightmare.

After school therapy…

Therapy’s lesson…

Wait wait wait… there was more to it!

For instance, that morning I caught a glimpse of myself in the window of a shop I was passing…

Later, before lunch I was directed to a subterranean restroom for staff and adults (because no one really wants to go into a kids’ restroom, for like, any reaason; best case scenario: smells like hundreds of kids being potty-trained…), and came upon this delightful relic of all horror movies happening in a school.

Eventually I ran out of thoughts on the nature of dedicated boiler rooms, and basically stumbled into an Olympic event!

The class lined up to go to lunch, but I took a detour and caught an excellent list to research:

Our “therapy” session I mentioned earlier came after a mixed day. Kiddo needed to relax, explore, hear something aside from constant screaming. We don’t have many creeks around here, so I was happy e showed interest.

Clover jumped around, laughed, slipped and plunged! It was shocking…

…but ultimately didn’t sting as much as my laughing-in-the-out-loudness!

It was around this time I starting noticing how much of Oakland’s beauty is waiting for me to look up.

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