Not a social drinker

Trigger Warning: This post makes reference to child abuse and alcoholism.

I stopped drinking booze regularly a few months ago. But for years I've avoided drinking away from home. I wasn't sure why that was, but I just thought of it: every person that beat me as a child was a drunk adult.

The reason I was thinking of it is because whenever anyone asks me if I would like a drink at some social function, instead of politely refusing, I would explain in constrained detail that I don't drink in public. That was shorthand for me saying, "I am going to stay sober, because I don't trust any of you, and I need to have some advantage if you are drunk."

Of course I don't distrust many folks, and I actively surround myself with people that I can rely on to a certain extent. But I don't like it when people drink at social functions. "Social drinker" was the code-words my grandparents used to discuss their alcoholism, and because I don't have the energy to check in with each person and seeing how they are doing in life in order to make an assessment, I'd rather just be able to check out of the whole ritual.

I prefer to drink alone, because I am often alone, and that is when drinking happens. It used to concern me, because drinking with friends, or to become uninhibited, is given a pass in this society. I don't really enjoy either, because I like paying attention to people, and I like being uninhibited while sober. I realize now that it is a source of power for me, and also a privilege. I can do things that other people need chemical supplements to achieve.

One day (in a couple of decades) I hope to drink good wines and sake with Clover, and hopefully cultivate in em a snobbish disdain for cheap, tasteless liquor. But I will never put myself in a situation where I could easily justify hitting anyone, let alone a child. And since it doesn't actually affect me socially, I won't drink with groups of people, either.