I wrote this and stashed it away a long time ago, and just found it. It is some feelings I had, and kinda continue to, um… exist in.

Today we attended our first recital as a family, Clover performing in Swan Lake. Well, as much as a five year-old can perform in a ballet segment.

And it was super cute, and overall a terrific experience. But the journey here was difficult and soul-searching, and C seems the least affected by it.

I am still processing a lot of my feelings, but I will share this: I have a lot of fear around Clover’s potential. I tried to gauge eir anxiety about performing, but it didn’t seem to even phase em. And that kinda bothers me, because I have an opinionated, willful and apparently fearless kid, and I don’t want to fuck that up.

I am learning that all these selfish thoughts are mainly just that. Of course I need to be aware of my own quirks so I can give my spawn the tools to adjust themselves, but I also have an opportunity to address my fears and learn to be fearless as well. This transmission of learning and energy that is parenting is a lot more of a two-way street than I have realized.

But I probably won’t be doing Swan Lake anytime soon…

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