Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting

I try to record my thoughts on current events, so I can look back and see what I was thinking. Human psychology convinces me that I will have various things affecting my thoughts and behavior, and I would like to make decisions with the most data I can.

It isn’t easy.

Today there was a shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School, in Newtown, Connecticut. 26 people died, 6 adults and 20 children, aged 5 to 10.

I understand those facts, but I don’t think I can reconcile them. When I first heard about the shooting, I felt something strange, like a dull thud in my chest, or more like the vibrations from a thud across the room. And because I have to be alert when I am with Clover, I realized what it was: I was systematically turning off my feelings, a selective shock.

Now, so many hours later, I am starting to think about it, and the tears are flowing.

I feel bad when anyone dies outside of a peaceful, natural death. My mind spins around existence, and what it is like to be a flame snuffed out with any kind of violence. It is in my mind when I leave the house, when I find myself in dangerous situations, or when I avoid them by wide margins of potential, as I have been recently.

I don’t know if it is a parental thing to live for your child, but that is certainly how I play the game. Suddenly, nearly anything is possible, as long as it is in the service of Clover’s comfort and psychological well-being. And while that gives me a particular strength and resolve, it also opens up a vulnerability, exposes a nerve that I never had before meeting this new human.

I want to say that my heart goes out to the families and victims, but I don’t know if I can afford that. My heart is in shock, my panic held barely at bay. My mind looks for distractions, but I can’t find any motivation.

In time I hope that my emotions will work themselves out, and I can cycle through the peptides that compel me to cling to my child. There is work to be done, and while I don’t think anything is going to fill the hole made today, my hope is that this will be seen as a catalyst for change, to help steer humans in a less violent direction.