Today Clover had eir first non-transition day at school. Clover loves it, and we can already see a change in em. Things like more confidence and a relaxed approach to obstacles. That’s… weird, and it own thing. I wasn’t expecting that, but then again, I was completely ambushed by my feelings.
I already had a cry about it, so I am fairly confident that I’ve pinpointed it down to unconditional love. I’ve been fortunate (blessed, really) to care for Clover for the last year. It has been tough at times, mostly because sometimes we don’t have enough money, and other times because I was crazy in a particular way. But I took for granted that the whole time I had my buddy here next to me.
Leading up to doing drop-ins at school, I was actually blaise about the whole affair. I didn’t want to feel guilty for thinking of the time I will have to myself and my work. And I didn’t want to over-think what we were doing. We aren’t leaving Clover there for very long, and the time spent there is in a room larger than our entire cottage, filled with safe things to play with, including other kids. And their playground is kick ass as well. It makes a lot of sense for us to do this, in lieu of that infrastructure on our own.
So when it actually came time to step out, and see if Clover would freak out, it caught me off guard that I could feel every organ in my gut, and they were all telling me to panic.
Fortunately, I panic well.
I kept it together, and cried profusely at a safer place. And I realized that I really enjoy just having Clover around me, e brightens up my life. And it made me realize that while at times it has felt like the hardest time of my life, because the stakes feel higher, since Susan came home and told me we were pregnant, it has been the best time of my life. And it is getting better.
My mantra is, “Clover isn’t the one with abandonment issues; we will get through this.” I am looking forward to the morning when I am not jumping up every five minutes because I can’t hear Clover anywhere in the house and OMFG did e fall in the tub and can’t get out?!
And this hyper-development time Clover is having will double as work time for me, so that I can make the world a better place for em, and stay engaged in my own life. Because I know that there is a little kid that loves me something fierce.
And that helps.