I am glad I posted about changing my focus when I did. So many of my ideas and decisions ought to be shared, but I procrastinate and then “the time” passes. In this case I have a timestamp showing that I was changing things anyway, so this won’t seem forced.
Susan is pregnant. I am very happy, and maybe a little jittery. I’ve had a smile on my face all day, and nothing seems to get me down. So, I should probably document my thoughts in the moment.
When I mentioned in the other post that “in many ways in my life I’ve reached capacity”, it wasn’t just work and health. I had been doing a lot of work on my emotional state. And by work I mean going through hell. Because, really, that is what “emotional work” is.
Just like everyone else I have a lot of crap in my head and heart that developed in my childhood, and while I try to deal with it on a daily basis, it sometimes crops up in rather dramatic and, well, embarrassing ways. I won’t go into the details here, but rest assured, Susan is by far the strongest person to have ever penetrated me. I don’t really believe in fate, but I thank the universe that we dealt with my stuff a week ago, and I’ve had time to bounce back.
I am crying. It is going to be okay.
Today seems kinda unreal. I think typing this post is starting to bring me off the high, and the fatigue is kicking in.
Anyhow, the most surprising thing after the fact that a human is forming in my partner (what the fuck, mate?), is that I am not excited or anxious about this. I am just happy. I am inspired. I am on the cusp of something.
I have spent most of my life dreading responsibility. My brand of neurosis dictates that regardless of how well I do in anything, I will fail the people I care most about. It is only more irritating to have that awareness; it doesn’t do much to combat that creeping dread. And so, for most of my life I’ve either tried to hide my competence, or sabotage my relationships (with people, or things like belongings or jobs). Regardless of if I wanted children or not (the urge has come and gone over the years), I was convinced that it would be on accident, and that I would definitely be okay with it.
I was convinced that it would be on accident, and that I would definitely be okay with it.
My issues, and my self-awareness, combined with my personality and passions created this principle that I didn’t deserve children, but I would do everything in my power to be worthy if it happened on accident.
You can imagine the scary, unmapped territory I entered when Susan challenged me to think otherwise. The fact that I decided to have children, with the full consent and enthusiasm of my partner is a sign that I have really been challenging my comfort zones.
I am not sure if it is a by-product of years of self-depreciation/hope of redemption, or something that happens to people when they realize something actually amazing-according-to-the-universe has happened, but I am ready for this. I feel like the gravity has been turned down, the weights lifted from my shoulders. I can move faster, speak eloquently, call forth more compassion.
And I can see that there is a lot more pain, deep down inside. But I am not worried. I believe that being an adult is solving the problems of one’s childhood, while contributing to reality. I know that there is a lot more trauma to be had, but I have a partner that can convince me I am loved, and a person I haven’t met yet, but who will be honest and vulnerable with me from the very beginning. That is the best treatment I could ask for.
I am ready for this.
Also, I can’t discount the possibility that I may be in shock. 